I did not plan on writing about this subject because it is very personal; however, I thought maybe someone out there will want to hear this and know that every reaction and feeling is normal. Almost six months ago I had a mammogram, initially the radiologist said it looked good and that everything was fine and they would probably want to do a sonogram. Little did I know that the radiologist was just trying to help me “feel better” because two days later I received a letter in the mail that had in red letters stamped on the top of the report ABNORMAL, and requesting sonogram. I won’t even play, I freaked out and decided to spend a lot of time with my kids… maybe reading to them more at night or telling them I loved them more, hugging them… doing things that I should have been doing all along but was just too preoccupied with life that I took it all for granted. I decided that at that time I wanted to do more with my BJJ, I wanted to go to California and do seminars and privates… there is just not enough time, life is really short when you sit down and think about it. So that is what I did, I spent more time with my children, my husband and family and a few months focusing primarily on BJJ. I completely forgot about the idea of cancer and that I needed a sonogram until one of my Bjj sisters asked me about it. I politely told her that I really did not care about it anymore and just wanted to live my life stress free. The very next day the Dr.’s office called and stressed I needed a sonogram and scheduled an appointment. I told myself everything will be fine, I am fine and everything will be clear and it was just a false alarm… sometimes convincing ourselves gives us enough courage to do what scares us the most.
I had the sonogram the previous Friday and the lady doing the sonogram stopped on a black oval shape on the screen, she took two passes and then took pictures and measurements. Then she took pictures of the rest of my breast that were all clear. Now, I may not be a radiologist, but I do have x-ray experience as a dental assistant and I know black spots are not good. My heart skipped a beat and the world seemingly stopped in its tracks as my fears were starring me right in the face. I cannot pretend that I did not see that black oval on the screen and I cannot pretend I am not afraid… The radiologist said that someone would call me with the results of my sonogram and smiled as I left. I made it to my car before the tears began rolling down my cheeks, I could not stop them… I wanted to be brave but I could not do it. I decided that I really just wanted to fall into the arms of my mother and have her tell me that everything was alright, but that didn’t happen either. I think some of our toughest battles as individuals must be confronted my itself, it makes us stronger.
It is now Tuesday, four days have passed and I decided to call the Dr. to see about my results, as I waited on hold I thought, Jesus… do you really want to know, if you find out then this is it… you have to confront what ever news comes – good or bad. When someone finally answered the phone I hesitated to tell her my information and to my relief she said the results had not come back and it may take up to a week. This may sound odd but sometimes having patience allows ourselves to digest the information and prepare ourselves for what may happen. For two days I have been watching seconds become minutes that turn into hours… the time is going by so slow.
My life has slowly turned upside down and my mind is a f*cking mess right now, and to add to this my gym is having promotions this Friday… F * C K!!! Now, one part of me wants to hit the gym and give it my all while another part is hold me back saying what if, and what if it is or isn’t… all we really have is right here and right now. I’m not completely sure, but I really think that we should all live our lives in the right now, doing the best we can right now… telling those you love right now, doing what makes you happy right now, because we don’t get a second chance, there is no do-overs and tomorrow’s are never guaranteed. I look at myself and how much this situation has changed me as a person and look at others and it frustrates me because I know they are all taking it for granted.
I need a sigh of relief, I need a phone call saying it is a cyst or something other than a disease that wants to kill me… and so we wait, learning about this thing called “Patience”.